


world on my back (into your hands)

by sodelicate



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Child Neglect, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, the comfort part is pure sugar, u deserve someone who loves u like akaashi loves bokuto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 02:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16823689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sodelicate/pseuds/sodelicate
Summary: "But I’m trying,Bokuto would think sadly to himself.I know I’m not good enough, but I’m trying. Isn’t that enough?The message is clear: no one knows how to or even wants to put up with him. Just like how it was with his mother, so it is now with his teammates.That changes when a very pretty Akaashi Keiji walks into the Fukurodani gym."Bokuto struggles with mood swings and the weight of being the Ace on his back. Luckily, there is one Akaashi Keiji who is willing to take that weight off his back and into his hands.





	world on my back (into your hands)

**Author's Note:**

> this one is based on a [tumblr request/prompt!](https://hqissodelicate.tumblr.com/post/180711053132/if-youre-not-too-overloaded-with) the request/prompt was for BokuAka with the lyrics: "you’d pull the world right off my back and put it in your hand". the song is ['out of order' by Michl.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCXeL6-E0nY)

Bokuto Koutarou is the Ace. He has always been the Ace. Ever since he started playing volleyball in junior high, he’s always taken on the role of the Ace, and it’s a role he takes great pride in. Like, it’s so _cool_ being an Ace, right? There’s nothing cooler than being the one the team depends on to take them through difficult parts of the match and score them points. And most of the time, he delivers. So in that sense, he fulfills that role of being the team’s Ace player.

But in other regards, he wishes he possessed the demeanour of a real Ace. Contrary to what most think, Bokuto isn’t dumb. (Well, not _really_.) He knows he has his shortcomings — shortcomings he knows other Aces like, say, Ushiwaka don’t. Like his mood swings. He knows he has them, and he hates them.

It started when he was a kid. Growing up, he never really had a… stable home environment. His parents were always constantly swinging between being utterly honeymoon-like in love with each other and being one step away from filing a divorce. He remembers going home after school, terrified of stepping foot inside because he wouldn’t know which side of his parents he would get that day.

Consciously or subconsciously, he adapted. When his parents were on one of their ‘high’s, so would he. And when they were raging at each other, he would flee into his room and try his five-year-old best to hold himself together.

The aftermaths of the ‘low’s were the worst. Initially, after the fights, his mother would enter his room, check on him and console him. Bokuto would use that opportunity to lap up her attention — it was the only reminder he had that even in the volatile climate of his home, he was still loved, that his parents weren’t fighting because of him.

But at some point, she stopped. After the fights, his father would disappear off — probably to have a drink or something, Bokuto didn’t know — and his mother would just shut herself in her room. Bokuto waited all night for her to come in with a hug and kiss, telling him everything was alright and that she loved him. But she didn’t. She didn’t give him the attention he so desperately craved. And so, he was left all alone, trying to figure out what he had done wrong.

Eventually, he figured she didn’t love him anymore, and while that stung really badly, he learned to adapt to that too. He hadn’t much of a choice.

* * *

That’s why being loud is such a vital part of who Bokuto is. By being loud and saying things others would find outrageous, he could ensure he would at least be getting some of the attention he needed.

But even then, he knows people don’t exactly like him. He knows he’s tiring to be around. When he’s on his ‘high’, people complain that he’s an energy vampire, sucking everyone else’s energy to power himself. And when he’s on his ‘low’, no one wants to deal with him. No one wants to help him out of his funk, to reassure him and help him put the pieces of himself back together. He still remembers the kind of things his senpai would say whenever he entered one of his slumps.

“Tch, so unreliable.”

“What a waste of talent and strength.”

“What use is a so-called up-and-coming Ace supposed to be if he’s not consistent? We can’t depend on someone like that!”

 _But I’m trying,_ Bokuto would think sadly to himself. _I know I’m not good enough, but I’m trying. Isn’t that enough?_

The message is clear: no one knows how to or even wants to put up with him. Just like how it was with his mother, so it is now with his teammates.

That changes when a very pretty Akaashi Keiji walks into the Fukurodani gym.

* * *

It really is like a miracle, Bokuto marvels to himself one day. This kind of understanding he thought only existed between people who have known each other forever, like Kenma and Kuroo.

But this miracle in the form of a beautiful boy gets him the way people like Kenma and Kuroo get each other. In practically no time at all, Akaashi has Bokuto all analysed and figured out. _And_ he has figured out ways to help Bokuto when he’s in a slump, instead of just rolling his eyes and shunting him aside like his senpai had. Bokuto really is amazed. No one, _ever_ , has put in the effort to get to know him so intricately _and_ come up with ways to help him. Most people stop when they hear his loud voice.

“I’ve had enough!” Bokuto wails one practice when everything goes wrong. He doesn’t know what happened or why everything went so downhill. It just did. It’s just one of those days when everything suddenly becomes too overwhelming for him to take. “Don’t toss to me anymore, ‘Kaashi!”

“Alright, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi says evenly, and Bokuto relaxes a little when hearing his voice. “Please take this time to calm down. Konoha-san, please swap places with Bokuto-san in the meanwhile.”

Playing at his best and hitting the ball with a cathartic amount of force is one thing, but watching from the sidelines Akaashi command the team like its trusty control tower is a whole other thing. He’s gorgeous, the way his blue eyes would scan the court, analysing the whole situation and searching for ways to victory; the way he never loses his cool no matter what. Even in the most stressful situation on the court, Akaashi remains like unbended steel.

~~(Huh, this might just be the beginnings of a crush.)~~

When he gets restless, he insistently fidgets and makes eye contact with Akaashi — and he gets it without words. He calls out Bokuto’s name — “Here, Bokuto-san!” — and Bokuto leaps and spikes the ball with everything he has.

They win that practice game.

Gradually, Bokuto stops dreading his slumps. Sure, they still suck, but somehow when he has them now, it’s not so bad because of Akaashi. Akaashi always knows what to do. He’s smart, strong, and powerful. When the pressure becomes too much and Bokuto cracks, he knows Akaashi would be there to pull the burden of being the Ace off his back and take it under his control in his own (lovely) hands.

Bokuto loves the way Akaashi makes him feel, too — valued, important and, in his own quiet way, loved. He starts to get attached to Akaashi the way an abandoned puppy might get attached to a kind human. They begin to spend more time together outside of practice, like during lunch break and after school in the library. (Bokuto doesn’t normally like libraries, ‘cause he has to be quiet in them, but if he’s with Akaashi then it’s not so bad.)

All in all, for the first time in a long while, Bokuto is genuinely happy.

* * *

The thing about Bokuto is that he has bad slumps, and then he has _bad_ slumps.

His bad slumps are when he feels dejected ‘cause he can’t win his team even a single point.

His _bad_ slumps (which are rare, mind you!) are when he feels so shitty about himself he accidentally takes it out on others.

“ _Guh_ , I can’t get any in!” Bokuto exclaims angrily during a practice match against Nekoma. Normally, playing against Nekoma isn’t so bad. They can get pretty annoying with their absolute refusal to let the ball drop, but usually Bokuto can get a good few points off them. Usually. Today — well, he isn’t sure what’s gone wrong. Maybe Kuroo and that Russian kid have stepped up their blocking game since the last time they saw each other. Or maybe Yaku has reached new super levels of being a super libero.

Or, maybe it’s himself. Maybe he just _really_ sucks today.

“Bokuto-san, please calm down,” Akaashi says. “We’ll get the next one.”

That’s what he’s been saying for the past six consecutive points Bokuto has lost. Next one, next one, and the next one. Initially, it sounded encouraging, like Akaashi was reassuring him about his Ace status. But now, it feels like pressure — pressure to perform to standards he knows he can’t reach. He despairs.

“No, I can’t!” Bokuto bursts out, frustrated. “Everything sucks today, Akaashi! I can’t do this anymore!”

Akaashi breathes out a tiny sigh. “Bokuto-san, please. We’ve gotten through rougher patches before. We’re going to be alright.”

Bokuto doesn’t know why, but hearing that makes something in him snap. Without thinking, he blurts out, “Easy for you to say, Akaashi! You’re the one just tossing the balls, you’re not the one who actually has to spike them! So you can’t possibly understand why it’s impossible for me right now to hit any of the tosses you send to me!”

Instantly, he clamps his hands over his mouth, horrified.

_Shit, what did I say? I didn’t mean — Akaashi works so hard for the team all the time, why did I say that?_

In the back of his mind, an echo of a long-ago but not forgotten argument resurfaces, and his throat constricts with a too-familiar fear.

_“You stupid bitch! All you do is stay at home and cook and clean! You don’t understand how difficult it is to actually do work out there in the real world, so I can bring money home to feed your lazy ass!”_

_“Oh, so **I’m** the lazy one? How ‘bout this: I’m the one who makes sure you even have a proper home to come back to! But if you don’t like that, you can stay and rot in your office for all I fucking care!”_

_“You better watch your damn mouth, woman—”_

_“No, **you** watch your mouth! You know what? We are done here, Ren. We should’ve done this a long time ago — hell, we shouldn’t even have met! Get the fuck out of my house! I never want to see your face again!”_

Akaashi measures him with an unreadable expression, his eyes cold and impassive. For once, he doesn’t say anything in reply to Bokuto’s outburst. Fear seizes Bokuto.

_No, shit, I messed up._

_Oh god, is this it? Did I mess up again? He’s going to leave, isn’t he?_

Bokuto doesn’t want to be around for when that happens.

He chokes out something that he hopes sounds like an apology, before stumbling out of the gym. He staggers to a quiet spot behind the gym and settles down on the grass, drawing his knees to his chest and hugging them. He rocks back and forth in place, just like he did when he was a kid terrified out of his wits. It’s practically a coping mechanism itself when he doesn’t have Akaashi to be his coping mechanism. Scared of getting abandoned again? Just curl up on the grass and pretend everything’s okay and everyone loves you and they’re not going to leave you alone.

He hears soft footsteps approach him from behind, and then the sound of a body settling on the grass beside him. He can’t muster the energy to look up to see who it is, though.

“Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto jerks in surprise when he hears Akaashi’s familiar placid voice. “Akaashi? What are you doing here?”

“I came to look for you, of course,” Akaashi replies. “Why does Bokuto-san sound so shocked? It should be a given by now that wherever you run off to, I’ll come looking for you.”

Bokuto feels his eyes dampen slightly. “Really?”

What looks like a small smile flickers briefly across Akaashi’s face, before he schools his expression back into its usual stoic form. “Of course. You are the Ace, after all, and what’s a team without their Ace?”

“You…” Bokuto swallows thickly, embarrassed by his fragility. “You really think I’m good enough to be an Ace? Like, I know I’m good when I’m in a good mood. But when I’m not… am I too much trouble? I know I’m troublesome, I know it’s difficult to be around someone like me with so many stupid issues—”

_I know it’s difficult to love someone like me._

“What are you implying about yourself, Bokuto-san?”

Bokuto waves his hands, desperate to find the words to describe over ten years’ worth of sadness, loneliness and insecurity. “It’s like — I’m saying I know I’m a hell lot of trouble, more trouble than I’m probably worth. So, like, it’s fine if you don’t want to — or if you can’t — put up with me anymore. You… you don’t have to hang around me anymore if you don’t wanna anymore, Akaashi.”

Bokuto expects Akaashi to nod, say something like, “Bokuto-san is right, Bokuto-san is too much trouble no matter how much of a good Ace he is” and walk away. It would hurt, it might even hurt more than when his mother stopped giving him attention, but it’s not like he’s ever been a stranger to pain.

So it completely throws him for a loop when Akaashi shifts closer to him and takes his hands in his (surprisingly) larger ones. Akaashi’s long elegant fingers gently intertwine with Bokuto’s, and they’re warm. It’s all so warm and comforting, like a tight hug after a shitty day. A lump of emotion wells up in Bokuto’s throat, his vision blurring with wetness.

“And what if I want to?” Akaashi asks simply.

Bokuto blinks at him, not quite computing what he just said. “Wait, you want — but why?”

“You act like you’re this big burden on the whole team and I’m just putting up with you, or worse, that I’m trying to fix you.”

“You're… not?”

Akaashi shakes his head, firm and sure. “You’re not a burden, and neither are you broken. I’m not putting up with you — I’m just helping you utilise your skills to their fullest potential. Bokuto-san, you are incredible and strong. No matter how many bad days you have, you’ve never given up, and that’s what makes you the Ace. If you’ve never given up on yourself, then why should I give up on you?”

Bokuto wipes away a stray tear, before throwing his head back and letting out a hearty chuckle. Suddenly, the dark cloud of nasty insecurity has dissipated, blown away by the force of nature called Akaashi Keiji. His heart, for the first time in twelve years, feels lighter. “When you put it like that, I really sound badass, don’t I?”

“Yes, Bokuto-san is the most badass Ace there is.”

“Ha ha ha, damn right I am!”

But really, Bokuto thinks as he watches Akaashi look at him with the barest hint of a smile on his face, between the two of them, Akaashi is the more badass one, the one more deserving of the Ace title even if he doesn’t play the position.

“Hey, you’re pretty cool too yourself, Akaashi,” Bokuto says for good measure. Since Akaashi went through the trouble of looking for him and comforting him, it’s the least he can do. “I said something really shitty back at the gym. Sorry.”

“It’s fine, Bokuto-san. I am flattered you think that of me. But flattery won’t take you places — once we get back to the gym, we’re polishing up your straight shots, no arguments.”

“Aww, c’mon, Akaashi!!”

But Bokuto follows Akaashi back anyway, the weight of the world on his back lighter now. It’s in Akaashi’s hands now — it always has been, and Bokuto can’t be any more grateful for having met this beautiful, amazing boy.

**Author's Note:**

> initially, i wasn't sure if i wanted to post this on this on AO3 because i wasn't, like, 100% satisfied with it. i love BokuAka, but their dynamic doesn't come to me as naturally as KuroKen or KageHina T.T but someone saw this on tumblr and told me it touched them, so i was like, "okay i'll post it on AO3 then, maybe someone on AO3 needs to read something like this". so here you go. i hope this touches you too.
> 
> if you'd like to, i'm doing requests on tumblr based on character/pairings + song lyrics, so feel free to send me requests on [my tumblr!](https://hqissodelicate.tumblr.com/)
> 
> thanks for reading!


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